My idea of my thoughts and what I think of them.

It can be difficult to think of how I think of my thoughts or thinking in general. I get confused in my own thoughts at times, and sometimes I let them play me. However, that does mean that I actually let me play me. Scaring me, forcing me, being negative, forcing desires... It is one of those things that will make someone go mad and upset them to a point of hysteria and paranoia. Insanity is more o the word for it. Thinking about insanity. And then thinking of the annoying questions that bother you and give you insanity.
When in that insanity, thoughts become daily. When these thoughts become, more of your reality, and predict your thoughts, it becomes warped. Being a warped person, your personality changes also. For a long time, I have been warped and disturbed. You hate reality, you try to escape it and get out of the hell in this mess. However, humanity, love?
Look, I try to give love, I really do. But at some point, when things were bothering me, all I can think about was the thing I was scared of. That insanity that made a mode into a blood thirst war machine that does not care? Hehehhehe... it is a delightful thought of blood, however, when does that trigger? When does that cross over? I wonder that when I am frustrated, sad, or lonely, and when I am scared. I am but I will move on.

Depression

Hurt, the idea of hurt, the madness of a crazed mind and heart. The sounds of voices and noises. The thought of your heart pulsing and moving. Going through ups and downs. Going through the relationships if people and losing and gaining things. Annoying things and good and blessed ideas. Losing and giving. Thinking and doing.... And crying. It is normal to think that in the pit of depression. You think. And then you write. Your passion, ideas, dreams, experiences and so on, overflow this struggle and then you move on. The step is yours.

What I feel at times

I find that, sometimes I do get lonely or sad. Sometimes I feel depressed out of it, but sometimes I think about other thoughts. Finding my ability to not give up, dealing with voices and other thoughts that are maddening and disturbing.... It gets to a point where I wonder about sanity and insanity and the things of life. Finding my motivation, self- worth, and trust in people is hard but it pays off. It literally is when you realized what you been through and you snap, but you are happy. You are happy.. and also.. you are smiling.. why because you know at that point, nothing will stop you.

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I can say, that life itself is interesting in it´s itself. I find that in problems, the only thing I can do is try to manage and stay in somewhat of a calm state of mind. Panicking does not help the scars go, it only makes them deeper to a point where you wonder¨ how do I find a way out?¨. You go back to what you know, what made you, you. Life is not something simple or something that can be remedied with a hot cup of water, tea, coffee, or whatever it is. In short, that is what depression is and that is all it is. It is a constant struggle not to tip over and when you tip, you need to find a way to get back into a stance. And what I mean, you need to stand up to it and flow with it, until you can beat some part of it. The more you let your gut or instincts help you, even if you are wrong in some sense, you are in another sense right. You just have to look at it like that. For me, it was when I was depressed and deciding or thinking about quitting, and what I mean was when I was in a situation that made me shift. Medication, hurtful or direct thoughts of ending yourself does not help. You will never get out the nightmare, but you can have fun in the game if you choose to. Then again, to my thought to you,¨ What was your game about?¨.

I find talking to myself an interesting discussion of me and what is in my mind. It is funny to say how long I been dealing with voices or the paranormal. However, I will get more into that later, since that is apart of my life and art and how I basically get by. It is my lifestyle and how I see life with opened eyes. looking from anotherś shoes, trying to figure that idea or concept out. It is hard at times and it is one of those things that people ask me about. I get asked, ¨ Why do you talk to yourself?¨. Well, it goes along the lines of a ¨ Well, good question.¨ Me, I can be a little off in the crazy or corny small thoughts, almost like an abyss. I am so deep in thought, that I wonder, " What do I think about?¨

I find depression a hard thing to actually get out of my mind. The reason for that is because I do not know who is going to listen. What I mean is simple. If you understand someone´s life like you understand a good book, the will be in the category of that personś life. Me, I really do not have too many emotions to really, carry out and say. I will put it like this. Me, I have a habit of shocking people and dealing with a lot of strange things that even I, from time to time, wonder about. You wonder, why? Well if anyone has ever, get the time to understand me, just know I have a dark sense of humor. I will be honest, it does go a bit far, but the message is pretty clear. I find life an interesting thing. However, I do think of humanity and salvation in the aspect of destruction to promise, to extinction, and rebirth. I think of these thoughts a lot in my mind, to a point where I want to figure out my thought process and the way it comes into my mind, and how it comes out. It can come out a number of ways. Me, I rather just watch and be introduced politely. After a good conversation with some substance or some idea of where the conversation is going, then the flood gates begin.